Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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