hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
