Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
