Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
