70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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