He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
