He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
