Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
