I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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