About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
