watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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