lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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