When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
