At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
