I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
