I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
