I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
