My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
