and i looked up. we had an audience...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
