Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
