party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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