So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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