When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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