I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
