Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
