I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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