The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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