Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
