I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
