I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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