we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
