Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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