Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm passing your future prison.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Let's paint friendship bongs
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
