i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
