I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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