Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Mom said you looked used
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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