Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
