Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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