not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize