I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
