Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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