We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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