i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
