I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
