You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
