He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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