It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
