Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
