I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
