She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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