when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
