Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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