I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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